


my head is an animal

by calangkoh



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD, Post-Series Ficlet, Therapy Session, Title is a reference to dirty paws by of monster and men, as in lots of words steven needs to hear, chapter 2: i apply my psychosocial nursing education and therapeutic communication techniques, chapter 3: connie must be superrrrrr traumatized and needs to vent, decided to continue after CYM, guys steven is so angsty why are there so few fics on him, homeworld and white diamond was SCARY, let's unpack that shit, like...imagine, may continue this or may stay a one-shot, me venting about steven’s mental health issues, mostly comfort, pretty much done just need an epilogue, steven is such a tragic character and i need to get this off my chest
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-01-04
Updated: 2019-08-15
Packaged: 2019-10-03 21:59:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17292194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calangkoh/pseuds/calangkoh
Summary: steven goes to therapy





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> this was a ventfic and im not a therapist so idk how accurate this is. it’s also just really dialogue heavy. 
> 
> title is a reference to ‘dirty paws’ by of monsters and men, a song i heavily associate with steven/the lore of steven universe

“Do you know why we’re meeting today?” Dr. Allan asked.

 

Steven pat his hands on his lap and looked at the fish tank behind the therapist. He didn’t like seeing things in cages, and the poor fish had no idea they were prisoners in this cozy little office. 

 

“Because...Dr.Maheswaran recommended it?” Steven guessed.

 

“Yes,” Dr. Allan confirmed, glancing at her clipboard. “Do you know why she recommended it?”

 

Steven blushed. “Her and Connie and my dad were all talking about me saying it could help me.”

 

“They’re worried about you,” Dr. Allan stated. 

 

Steven lowered his head. 

 

“Yeah…” he nodded. 

 

“There’s no need to feel ashamed. It’s wonderful that they care about you so much.”

 

“I wish they wouldn’t,” he muttered.

 

“What makes you say that?”

 

“I don’t wanna give them any more trouble.”

 

Dr. Allan nodded. “I understand not wanting to feel like a burden, but people who love you are going to worry about you, and it’s natural.”

 

Steven frowned. 

 

“What, do you not believe me?” 

 

Steven fidgeted with his shirt and looked back at the fish tank. 

 

“I know they love me and are going to worry, just like I always worry about them, but I don’t feel like I’m worth the trouble.”

 

Dr. Allan scribbled something on her clipboard.

 

“What are you writing?” Steven questioned, sitting up in his seat.

 

“I’m taking notes so I can help you. Notes on our conversation will help me identify themes. It is completely confidential. Only I will see them.”

 

“Okay…” Steven sat back in the couch, seeming to relax, but jolted right back to the edge. “Wait, what will taking notes on what I say do to help me? Help me with what?” 

 

Dr. Allan clicked her pen and thought. She was made aware on Steven’s background, and as a close friend of Dr. Maheswaran, had heard many stories over the past two years. Steven didn’t know much about the medical world, besides from what he watched on tv with Connie, which wasn’t realistic. 

 

“Steven, what do you know about therapy?”

 

“It’s to talk about what’s bugging you, right?”

 

“Yes. But it also aims to treat. You’re here because you’ve been exhibiting signs and symptoms of depression and PTSD at home, according to your father. I’m here to help you, to diagnose and to treat, and also to just listen. I can help you through your emotions and in processing your traumatic experiences. I already know about the gems being your caretakers and your being half-gem, and that you went to space multiple times, but that’s all.”

 

Steven looked around the room again. The door to his right, four windows to the left, fish tank behind Dr. Allan’s chair next to her file cabinets and desk. Next to his couch were various toys: building blocks, Russian dolls, connect four, checkers, and stuffed animals. The room was earthy colored and warm, with the only bright color coming from the cerulean fish tank. 

 

Neutral colors were nice, Steven realized. Not so harsh on the eyes. Homeworld, and anything related to gems, was always bright and neon. 

 

“Don’t war veterans get PTSD? I know the gems probably have it.”

 

“It’s very likely that they do, or have had it in the past, given their background. What do you know about it?”

 

“I know it gives you flashbacks.”

 

“Mhm. That’s one symptom.”

 

“That’s all I know.”

 

“That’s okay. I can tell you a bit more. In fact, I’m going to read some statements or ask questions, and I want you to answer with ‘never,’ ‘sometimes,’ or ‘often’ on how it relates to you.”

 

“And this is all related to PTSD?” Steven confirmed.

 

Dr. Allan nodded.

 

“Okay.”

 

Dr. Allan straightened in her seat, mirroring Steven’s position, and clicked her pen again. She flipped a page on her clipboard and scanned it. Then, she read:

 

“Do you experience unwanted upsetting memories or flashbacks?”

 

Steven gulped, probably wondering what he just got himself into.

 

“Yeah...oh, I mean ‘often.’”

 

“Do you experience nightmares?”

 

“Often.”

 

“Do you experience emotional distress or physical reactivity to reminders of traumatic events?”

 

“Often,” Steven shifted in his seat.

 

“Are you uncomfortable?”

 

“A little bit.”

 

“Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable? Do you want to stop?”

 

“Um...no.”  _ Don’t be difficult, Steven. Everyone’s already worried enough. This is supposed to help.  _ “No, we can keep going.” 

 

“Okay. Do you find yourself avoiding thoughts or feelings, or physical reminders of a traumatic event?” 

 

“Sometimes,” Steven breathed. At least it wasn’t another ‘often.’ Except…

 

“Wait,” Steven blurted. “What could count as avoiding thoughts or feelings?”

 

“Often when something is too distressing to think about, one can throw themselves into distracting activities.”

 

“Oh. Well I kinda’ve always done that. I don’t like feeling sad. Connie would tell me I should take more time to think about things that upset me so I don’t bottle things up.” 

 

“That makes sense, and that’s good advice. Bottling and repressing feelings can lead to burnout or everything feeling like it’s crashing down. I do the same thing; you’re not alone”

 

Steven fiddled with his thumbs. Dr. Allan continued. “A lot of people feel like they need to keep their negative emotions inside, especially people like us who feel the need to be the strong one, or to be happy all the time for the sake of others.”

 

Steven nodded. That made a lot of sense. 

 

“What do you do when you feel overwhelmed?” Steven asked.

 

“Well, I give myself a break. I tell myself that I’m a human too and I have emotions and weaknesses, and I tell myself not to be too hard on myself. And I let other people know that I’m feeling a certain way.” 

 

“Oh. That’s pretty simple.”

 

She smiled. “It’s easier said than done. It takes work to get into the habit. But I know you’d be able to do it. You’re a resilient individual.”

 

Steven smiled back at the compliment. “Thanks.”

 

“You’re welcome. Would you like to continue?”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Okay…” she searched for her spot on the clipboard. “Do you find it difficult to recall key details about the traumatic experience?” 

 

Steven had to think about this one. “No, not really. Well, for the most part I feel like I remember every detail. Some things surrounding certain things are a little blurrier. Um….so I guess that’s a ‘sometimes?’”

 

She scribbled a few notes, then continued. “Do you have overly negative thoughts and assumptions about yourself and the world?”

 

“Um….sometimes. Or, more like between ‘never’ and ‘sometimes.’ I try to stay pretty optimistic. I think I can be too optimistic about how things will turn out, and then things kinda end up going a lot worse.”

 

“So would you say that since your experiences in space, you’re a little bit more negative than you were before?”

 

“Maybe. I think I still believe everything will work out in the end, but I feel more prepared for when it doesn’t.”

 

Dr. Allan wrote his wording down as exact as she could. “Being optimistic is pretty important to you, it seems.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“That’s really good. You know, optimistic people live longer, healthier lives than pessimistic people.”

 

“Really? Then my dad will probably live to be pretty old, huh?”

 

“What inspires you to be so optimistic?” Dr. Allan asked, fueled partially by curiosity.

 

“Definitely my family. After all the things they’ve gone through, a lot of it because of me, I think it’s important to keep everyone’s hopes high and stick together.”

 

“You say ‘because of you.’ Do you feel like you’ve put your family through a lot of trouble?”

 

Steven nodded pretty aggressively. “Me being born put them through a lot of trouble,” he went red. “Okay I know that sounds bad, but let me explain.”

 

Dr. Allan uncrossed her legs and rested her pen on her clipboard. 

 

“My mom was this rebel leader who everyone loved and admired. Yeah it turns out she made a lot of mistakes and everyone put her on this pedestal, but everyone was still really hurt by her giving up herself to make me. The gems were a total mess without her, even though they hid it pretty well from me for most of my life. They love me but they obviously wished they still had my mom, maybe even instead of me. Not that they’d willingly replace me if they had the choice, but to be completely honest, they’d be a lot better off if I was never born. Not that they’d ever admit it. And a lot of the trouble with Homeworld was my fault. I’m the one who gave the list of names to Peridot and got everyone taken and Lars killed. Because of me, Homeworld found out about us, and my dad got kidnapped, and the Diamonds came to earth, and I gave everyone a heart attack by giving myself up which was a big mistake. I mean, I still feel like it was the right thing to do, but it just hurt everyone I love,” Steven took a deep breath after his rant and sighed. 

 

“A lot really is my fault. I messed up so much. There’s a lot of good things I think I’ve done that my mom couldn’t have, but overall, I wish I’d never been born. Everyone would’ve been so much happier.”

 

Dr. Allan wrote a short note on her clipboard— _ exaggerated blame on oneself: often; possible suicidal ideation _ —and then looked back at Steven with furrowed eyebrows.

 

“I’m sure you’ve heard this before, but you can’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault.”

 

There was a flash of offense on Steven’s face, like the very idea that it wasn’t his fault was an insult. 

 

“You don’t know that!” he snapped. 

 

Dr. Allan had to wonder if he usually had a short temper or if she had simply touched a nerve. Reactivity was also a potential symptom. 

 

“I may not know your life, Steven, but I do know that it isn’t your fault. Because life isn’t anybody’s fault. No one can predict what will happen; we can only act based on what we know. And Steven, you’re a child. A child living under extraordinary circumstances, facing things no other human child has ever faced. With responsibility no other human child has had.”

 

Steven was absorbing her words, with no external signs of agreement or disagreement.

 

“Other children your age make reckless decisions all the time: drugs, stealing, cheating, all kinds of things, and they don’t have the weight of an interstellar war on their shoulders. Give yourself a break. You didn’t decide to be born, so it’s not your fault your family had to mourn your mother. It’s natural to feel guilty about that, but it’s just a feeling. It wasn’t your fault.

 

“And whatever mistakes you made were just mistakes. Everyone makes them, and hindsight has twenty-twenty vision, meaning you’re always going to look back thinking you could’ve done something different. It’s  _ not  _ your fault.”

 

She tried gauging for a reaction. Steven had brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them, but other than that self-comforting measure, there wasn’t anything to go by. Did he believe her words or even listen to them? Did he tune her out?

 

“Look, what if you told me something you feel responsible for, and we can break it down together.”

 

From behind his knees, Steven muttered, 

 

“Lars.”

 

“Okay. Let’s start there.”

 

Steven recounted with as much detail as he could about the events leading up to Lars’s death. The robonoids, him daring to talk to Peridot (despite being told not to), naively listing out names, Aquamarine coming months later with that exact list in hand, giving himself up so that the humans could go free, Lars being left on the ship, and (skipping through the details of the trial) being stranded on Homeworld with him. 

 

Dr. Allan had to admit to herself that she forgot she was listening to actual experiences, and not the creative, expertly-told story of a child with an interest in fantasy/sci-fi novels. She was intrigued in the story, and had to scold herself halfway through for losing sight of the reality of it. 

 

Steven had entered a flashback when he got to the fight with the robots. Just as his father had told her, Steven began to look into the distance and go pale, and as soon as she made a move, he flinched and a pink bubble formed around him. 

 

Apparently this had started two months ago, which was three months after he returned home from space for the final time. 

 

The problem, as Mr. Universe had told her, was that Steven couldn’t hear anything from inside the bubble except for tapping on the surface, which only freaked him out more. That’s what had been so painful about these flashbacks the more frequent they got: there was nothing anyone could do but wait it out. They couldn’t touch or talk to him. A few times they got away with calling him on his cell phone, but he didn’t always have it on him in the house, and if the flashback happened outside where he’d have it in his pocket, there was no guarantee that he’d answer. The longest time Steven had been stuck in a flashback was an hour and a half, and that was what broke the family down to seek help. 

 

Dr. Allan had mentally prepared herself for this outcome. There wasn’t much in her existing training and education for helping a half-alien child encased in a protective bubble and having a panic attack over outer space-related memories, but she was ready to deal with things outside her scope as soon as she was given this case. She dialed the cell phone number. 

 

She couldn’t hear it ring, but judging by Steven’s startle, it did its job. From inside the bubble, Steven looked at the phone, perplexed, before answering it. 

 

She heard his voice over her own phone. 

 

“Um...hello?” 

 

“Hi, Steven. It’s Dr. Allan.”

 

“Wh-what? How…”

 

“You’re having a flashback. It’s not real. You’re in my office right now. Try looking around and tell me what you see.” 

 

Steven did as he was told. He managed to make eye contact with her. 

 

“I see you.”

 

“Good. What else?”

 

“I see...the fish tank. And Lars and robonoids. But that’s probably not real, huh?” He smiled nervously. 

 

“No, it’s not.”

 

Steven’s smile quickly broke, and he began to sob into the phone. 

 

“I let him die,” he cried. “He saved me and I let him die. I-I know I brought him back to life, and that he’s happy and that he’s not mad at me, but...he  _ died _ . And it was my fault for not protecting him, and for letting the gems take him, and for giving Peridot that list, and—“ he paused to wipe his tears and catch his breath. 

 

“Steven,” Dr. Allan tried, “It wasn’t your fault.”

 

“Stop saying that!” She had to pull the phone away from her ear, and she realized it was a blessing in disguise that he was within his soundproof bubble. Steven continued. “You don’t know anything! Even if you did you’d just be lying to make me feel better!”

 

“I wouldn’t lie to you. That’s not in my job description. I’m telling you the truth. How old are you?”

 

“I’m...fifteen.”

 

“And how old were you when this began?”

 

“Thirteen.”

 

“You’re a  _ kid _ , Steven. That’s not an insult; it’s a fact. And you’re a kid who had way too much on his shoulders. You’re being so unfair to yourself. If Connie was the one making the decisions you made, in your place, would you be telling her it’s her fault?”

 

Steven sniffed. “No!”

 

“Why not? Why is Connie different from you?”

 

He hesitated. “Connie would be a lot smarter than me. She wouldn’t have done half the things I did.”

 

“But she still would’ve made mistakes, because that’s what people do. And would you be as hard on her as you are on yourself about those mistakes?”

 

“No…”

 

“Exactly. What about the gems? I’m sure they’ve made mistakes, too. Do you blame everything on them?”

 

“No…”

 

“You’re one person, Steven. You can’t blame yourself. You had no idea what would happen, and in all these life-or-death situations, you’re going to act on impulse. Your body is going to react to danger to stay alive. You made the best decisions you could’ve made in those moments because they were the decisions you went with. You made them for a reason, and now they’re in the past before you’ve learned more and grown more, so you see them as mistakes. Am I making sense to you?”

 

Steven nodded. 

 

“Why do I still feel horrible?” he squeaked.

 

Dr. Allan couldn’t hold back a sympathetic sigh. 

 

“Because your brain doesn’t always line up with your emotions. Telling yourself it’s not your fault is very different from feeling it.”

 

“How do I start to feel it? I still feel like everything is my fault.”

 

“That’s what I’m going to help you with in these sessions. Now, there’s no danger here. You’re in my office, and we’re just talking. There’s no need for the bubble.”

 

Steven looked up at his main method of defense.

 

“Is it bad if I keep it up for a little bit more?”

 

“Of course not. You should be able to feel safe.”

 

Steven released the tension in his body and relaxed back on the couch. 

 

“So, um, where were we?” He asked, cupping the phone against his ear like a safety blanket.

 

“I was going through the PTSD diagnosis. It’s not necessary to complete it. You fit enough criteria for a proper diagnosis.”

 

“Great…” Steven groaned.

 

“It  _ is _ great. Because once you identify the problem properly, you can treat it.”

 

“Yeah, I guess…”

 

“I wanted to go through the depression screening, but that can wait until next week if you’d prefer.”

 

“Yes, please. I think one disease is good enough for now,” he chuckled. 

 

Dr. Allan smiled patiently. “It  _ is  _ a disease. So there’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone gets sick, right?”

 

“Right. Even gems! They get corrupted and their heads get all messed up. This is like that, but not so difficult to fix, right?” He laughed at some kind of inside joke, “I’m gonna be fine!” 

 

It was obvious from his tone of voice that he was mostly talking to himself for reassurance. 

 

“You’re going to be fine,” Dr. Allan confirmed. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: i realized upon a series rewatch binge that steven canonically has flashbacks and him giving himself up to homeworld was actually him being casually suicidal, so no, i don't think any of this is too much of a reach like i was worried for when writing


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> May not entirely line up with the previous chapter since this one was written AFTER the finale, and because of personal reasons influencing my writing (so there's some projection in this chapter, as well as inclusion of therapeutic communication techniques i learned in my psychosocial nursing class lmao). The first chapter still stands but the timeline is now changed from a few months after CYM to a few weeks.
> 
> [a few more notes: first just a little disclaimer...i dont think steven is empathetic because he has empathy powers--i think he has empathy powers because he’s empathetic. A small distinction that i feel is important when he mentions his empathy. Second, i really wanted to bank on the alien-ness/unnaturalness of it all. I feel there’s a lot to unpack there, especially because even just watching the show, any time something is taking place on Homeworld or on a Homeworld ship, I felt a distinct oddness to it due to the contrast to the usual pastels and warmth of the show. largely headcanon in how i think being on Homeworld would FEEL in a subjective and even philosophical sense]

Steven slept with a hand firmly over his gemstone now. Sometimes, he’d sleep clutching a pillow over his stomach. When he woke up in the middle of the night, be it from nightmares or the natural sleep cycle deciding so, it didn’t feel like enough to protect him. When he woke up with his covers on the floor and his stomach exposed to the stinging of the air on his cold sweat,  _ nothing _ felt like enough.

 

He was never a stranger to nightmares, not with the things he has seen, but they had increased in frequency and intensity over the past few months. Since he came home from Homeworld, they were every time he shut his eyes. And with the missed sleep came drifting off randomly throughout the day, with which came more nightmares.

 

He was honest with the gems about it: he was struggling, and it would probably be a bit before he could sleep soundly after the year he had been through. He sugar-coated it, of course, but he let them know that he was indeed traumatized and would need to recover. (They had to know, if they wanted to understand why he was going to therapy.) Connie had helped him accept the reality of that fact and encouraged him to just put it all out in the open. No amount of self love erased the healing he had to go through.

 

His lack of a peaceful night’s sleep did not mix well with the busy weeks of diplomacy. Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis needed a place in the temple or closeby to stay, for one thing, which was still being worked out, and now the entirety of the Crystal Gem rebellion had to be reintegrated into Earth society after being uncorrupted. 

 

Even though the threat of Homeworld was quelled, the work had quadrupled for Steven. Thankfully, he had help from his family (all of them), and he had developed excellent leadership and people skills over the years. But the work was still work. Gems needed places to stay, traumas to be addressed, things to be explained, etc. Meanwhile humans needed their boundaries and fears regarding the surplus of aliens acknowledged, and they needed systems to be put into place to allow a successful integration. Both needed a counselor, an advocate, an ambassador, everything. 

 

Steven Universe, almost fifteen years old, still had the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

 

So, naturally, Amethyst pumped her fist in the air in a silent cheer when Steven dozed off on the couch next to her. She dared not to move for the next forty minutes, until Pearl walked through the screen door which closed behind her with a loud clap.

 

Steven yelped, like a kicked puppy (freaking pathetic, geez!), but the heartbreak and self loathing associated with such a catastrophe couldn’t compare to what Pearl and Amethyst felt. 

 

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you!” Pearl rushed to Steven’s side, kneeling at the edge of the couch. He had both hands firmly grasped over his gem, shoulders rising and falling in heavy breaths, and eyes unable to focus. 

 

Amethyst reached for him from her end of the couch. She paused with every movement to make sure it wasn’t scaring him more. She finally worked her way right next to Steven with her arm around him. 

 

“Hey, little man, you’re okay. We’re home on the couch.”

 

Steven squeezed his eyes shut and nodded. He inhaled a long, deep breath through his nose and let it out slowly through his mouth, like Garnet and Greg had coached him the past few times. He opened his eyes and focused on the soft brown of the wooden floors, the warm sunlight through the windows and the dust particles floating in its rays. So natural, so Earth.

 

His eyes focused on Pearl, who smiled lovingly when they met her glassy blue ones. She wiped the forming tears and apologized again.

 

“It’s okay,” Steven reassured. “It was an accident.”

 

Pearl wrapped her arms around him, which he could not return with his hands still guarding his gem, and he noticed a pile of papers on the floor that she must’ve dropped.

 

“What’s that?”

 

Pearl unlatched and looked over. “Oh. It’s...business. It’s nothing you need to worry about at the moment, Steven.”

 

Steven nodded and mentally filed it away for later. Probably property listings. (Bismuth and her fellow bismuth buddies were designing a new base for more Crystal Gems. They wanted to just install new rooms in the temple, but Garnet convinced them that Steven needed his own space for him and his close family only. As much as Steven loved expanding his family, he still appreciated Garnet voicing what he was too afraid to.)

 

A few minutes passed, where he sat between Amethyst and Pearl as he stared at the ceiling, just trying to regain the immense amount of energy his short panic had taken. He focused on the delicate hand of Pearl rubbing circles in his back, and Amethyst squeezing his shoulder. 

 

The gems noticed how Steven guarded his gem rather obsessively. It wasn’t alarming at first, since Steven often clutched the shirt over his gem when nervous, and it seemed natural that with the added stress and having so many new gems around (Steven was a bit too used to new gems trying to kill him when they first meet) that such a behavior would increase. 

 

Amethyst, always the observant (Pearl focused too much on the past, Garnet on the future; Amethyst saw what was in front of her), was the first to point out that  _ Hey, Steven is like, super paranoid over his gem. Do ya think something happened? _

 

But Steven just denied, or at least downplayed. Something  _ had _ happened, but he gave them nothing to go off of. It was difficult to bring it up, because opportunities to talk as a family were scarce in the busy couple weeks since they’d returned home, and any quiet moment felt like glass. No one wanted to take away a moment of peace that Steven got between negotiations, waking nightmares, and his therapy sessions.

 

The fact that Connie was also nervous around them, and nearly burst into tears before scurrying away when they asked her directly, confirmed the suspicion that the  _ something _ was related to when they were all being puppeted by White Diamond in her head ship. 

 

The not knowing was torture. The guessing of  _ What did White make us do? _ and  _ Oh gosh, did she hurt them? Did  _ we _ hurt them?  _

 

Steven’s hands slid off his stomach and to his sides. Garnet warped in, paused as she assessed the room, and then took her place next to Amethyst. 

 

“Steven,” Garnet began. Steven held his breath. 

 

Her arm reached behind Amethyst and rested on his head. “We love you.”

 

He let out his breath, and sunk into the embrace of his family. 

 

—

 

Connie had already discussed her version of events surrounding Homeworld in depth with Dr. Allan, but Steven hadn’t gone near anything after meeting White Diamond for the first time. He was paralyzed in his seat when he got there in conversation. 

 

_ And then White Pearl, who um, like I told you is like a servant on Homeworld, brought me to White Diamond, and... _

 

And he sat there, not moving a muscle until Dr. Allan thought it best to change the topic completely. From what Connie told her, White Diamond was  _ scary _ . 

 

White could only be described in such a childish term, because her presence (her stare her size her blinding light that made you forget what any other color looked or felt like her voice echoing from every direction out of every mouth her lack of emotion that made your natural empathetic soul feel hollow but you know there’s gotta be something there there has to be something there just feel for it just bring it out talk it out of her before you lose yourself in her) made you feel like a child, but only in the worst way. 

 

“I wanna tell the gems what happened. It really was a good thing, but everything around it is just...so hard to think about. Connie told me it’s okay to think about it, and thinking about it will help me move on, but I can’t,” Steven clutched his shirt. “It’s too much.”

 

The “good thing,” Dr. Allan guessed, was when he was reunited with him gem. It wasn’t her place, however, to assume things, especially when the assumption is coming from information of another client. (Normally this cross section of clients would be unprofessional, but there were only so many therapists who could/would deal with children’s intergalactic war trauma, and as much context of it as possible was needed.)

 

“It’s too much?” Dr. Allan repeated. 

 

Steven nodded.

 

“Yeah. Every time I think about what happened on Homeworld, or even if I’m just reminded of something, which stinks because almost everything is pretty much guaranteed to remind me of something, I just feel, like....really small. And trapped. And my chest feels tight and like I can’t catch my breath but everyone else says I seem calm but inside I’m just not. Or sometimes I do feel calm, but it’s not a good kind of calm.”

 

“You feel disconnected,” Dr. Allan restated. 

 

Steven nodded. “Yeah, yeah. And it gets scary because I start to feel like, something really bad could happen and I wouldn’t care. It’s like I’m always either super panicked for no reason, or I feel nothing which makes me panic because if I feel nothing, how do I react if something goes wrong? If someone attacks me or my family and I’m stuck in this...fog where nothing feels real, how can I react?”

 

“Does this happen often?”

 

“Yeah, all the time. Sometimes I’ll just be talking to a gem trying to resolve something and all of a sudden my whole body feels numb and my mind goes blank but my body keeps moving and talking, like, like...like some puppet! And that’s super freaky! And I don’t like it. I don’t like how…okay, so my empathy powers are super important to me. I never realized how important they are until I felt what it’s like to not feel them working. So when I feel so disconnected,” Steven motioned to Dr. Allan at the word, “from everyone and everything going on, it’s like I’m not even there.”

 

Steven sat back and sighed. When he didn’t continue, Dr. Allan spoke.

 

“And what usually brings you back to reality when you experience this?”

 

Steven shrugged. “I don’t know. It’ll just go away after a while, and once it does I feel exhausted.”

 

“I understand. It sounds like dissociation. Where you feel detached from reality. It’s a way your brain copes with anxiety.” 

 

“Hm.” 

 

“What is something you could possibly do next time this occurs to ground yourself?”

 

Steven eyed the light on the carpet. The soft fuzz and light strands being illuminated by the sunlight. 

 

_ Oh! _

 

“Well, actually, I noticed that when I get all panicked, once I calm down I like to look at something...soft.”

 

“Soft?”

 

“Yeah. Homeworld and gem stuff, except for the Crystal Gems, is never soft. It’s always hard and sharp and bright,” (in an artificial way...everything made its own light in all its inorganic and ‘flawless’ ways. Earth had sunlight and shadows and dust particles reminding you that things are moving, and life is movement and life is change). 

 

“So by understanding that, do you think remembering to look at something soft will help you? Can you give an example?”

 

Steven thought. “Like when I’m talking to Jasper at the kindergarten and I start to feel that fight or flight thing you told me about, I can focus on how the sunlight feels, because it’s always sunny and hot there.”

 

He hoped that would work. Being in the kindergartens was tough for finding a feeling of  _ Earth _ to hold on to. The kindergartens, despite being filled with dirt (an organic thing by nature), were so devoid of natural life to the point that it wasn’t even classified as death. Death was a part of life; it nourished more of it, but kindergartens were so hollowed by the gem technology that even the dirt was unnatural. (Death is not absence of life...the absence of life was something much more profound that could only be felt in the kindergartens.) 

 

But...sunlight. That was something to hang on to. Until he went to Amethyst’s kindergarten which just reminded him of the dark depths of Homeworld where robonoids scanned for something to destroy, or the caverns filled with gem mutants living in agony (there were still so many more to find and talk to) and screaming to find their missing components (a feeling of separation you never forget).  

 

Oh gosh he couldn’t do this. 

 

_ I can’t do this anymore. I can’t keep doing this. _

 

“Steven? You seem distressed…”

 

“I can’t keep doing this!” Steven laughed. 

 

(Laughed?)

 

“Doing what?” 

 

“I can’t keep leading everyone and fixing everything! I’m barely put together myself!” Steven laughed more. “When did I even become the leader? Like, who the heck thought  _ that _ was a good idea? But it just  _ happened _ ! I can’t keep moderating all these issues between gems and between humans and between gems and humans and I can’t keep going back to the places and to these people who hurt me! I can’t keep pretending I’m okay!” 

 

Why was he still laughing?

 

“I can’t keep doing this!” 

 

_ I can’t handle it anymore and I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t do this because I’m going to break if I keep going, and I can’t do this because I don’t deserve that.  _

 

His throat was closing up and his eyes felt heavy with tears threatening to fall but he continued to laugh. 

 

Dr. Allan watched him laugh with concern, and when the laughter transitioned into violent sobs, she leaned forward and reached for his shoulder. Her hand rested there until the hiccups slowed down. 

 

“S-sorry.”

 

Dr. Allan shook her head. “You don’t have to apologize. I’m here for you, to help you.”

 

Steven sniffled and nodded. 

 

These sessions were indeed very helpful. 

 

—

 

“I’m not going to keep going to the kindergartens,” Steven said. 

 

The gems were each sat down on the couch, ready for his announcement. They all stared, urging him to continue. 

 

“Actually, I’m gonna take a break from all the gem stuff going on. I already have done a lot, and I can’t keep helping until I give myself some room to breathe.” 

 

Amethyst broke the silence, “Oh praise all that is good!”

 

Steven blinked. “What?”

 

Pearl clasped her hands together, “Steven, you’ve been working so hard! You deserve a break!”

 

“You need one!” Amethyst said. “We’ve been trying to get you to stop pushing yourself so hard! None of this is your responsibility!”

 

“You’ve been a great help and we’re so proud of you,” Garnet said, “but we can take care of everything from here.”

 

Steven’s inner voice, the stubborn one that still told him how he has to take responsibility, how he has to fulfill his role and expectations as Rose Quartz/Pink Diamond, reminded him that there’s no way he won’t be needed for the more important diplomatic missions. 

 

But that didn’t matter. He verbalized his limits. He won’t be doing anything Homeworld and gem-related unless absolutely necessary. 

 

“You guys are really okay with that?” 

 

_ Of course they are! They love you! You make them proud!  _

 

“Of course!” Pearl answered. 

 

“Steven, you’re the best person ever and you’ve been struggling majorly. You deserve a break,” Amethyst laughed.

 

Garnet pat his head. “Let us know when you need us, though. We’ll always have time for you.”

 

Steven opened up his arms and the three joined him in a group hug. 

 

“That was easy!” Steven laughed. “I love you guys!”

 

“We love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will definitely dive more into steven finally recounting the diamond days arc. im getting all up in his head and acknowledging how terrifying it was. and then he'll finally sit down and tell the gems what happened. connie will also get some love, either next chapter or as a bonus chapter.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> everything in this chapter kinda just happened. when i get into writing dialogue it totally gets away from me, so yeah again there's a lotta talking here. also got some inspiration from the movie trailer. steven has become so ambitious and accomplished so much im proud :')
> 
> also, happy birthday steven! have some catharsis!

“Don’t.”

 

Connie didn’t even glance up from her book when she felt the sand shift behind her.

 

Steven made a distressful groan. 

 

“I was just going to check in with the amethysts,” he pleaded, “I overheard Amethyst talking about them being too aggressive with humans, and...”

 

“And Amethyst can take care of it,” Connie reasoned.

 

Steven fidgeted.

 

Connie sighed and put the book face down, not caring about the grains getting into the crevice. Nowadays she loved finding left over sand in her bag, whereas previously it either annoyed her or went unnoticed. 

 

“Look, if it makes you this anxious maybe you should go check on them. But you told me you wanted distance from gem stuff.”

 

Connie tried to hide her frustration, but naturally Steven picked up on it right away. His shoulders tensed up, and whatever he was planning to say got away from him as soon as he opened his mouth. 

 

“And honestly, I do too,” Connie admitted.

 

“I know you do.” Steven nodded and lowered his head, but it lacked any shame it would’ve had a few weeks ago. Connie already gave her speech in reaction to his guilt. 

 

_ Don’t blame yourself. I wanted to come. I’m glad I came on the mission. I knew the risks. We protect each other, right? _

 

And she gave it a few more times after that, even though it felt more and more robotic every time. It was hard to have the same sentiment when she only half believed what she was saying. Only her therapist knew how part of her regrets going, no matter how important it was to her that she be there for Steven.

 

Steven flopped back down onto the sand on his back, looking up at Connie.

 

“How are you doing?” Steven said after a sigh. 

 

_ A sigh is an emotional reset, _ her mom says when Connie apologizes for doing it so much lately. It was true, and it definitely helped to let out indulgently loud sighs when she realized her shoulders were tense, or her breathing was irregular, or her mind was somewhere it didn’t want to be.

 

Connie matched his sigh with her own.

 

“Fine. I really wanna get back to sword training. I miss it.”

 

“Maybe if we train as Stevonnie…?”

 

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. If I start flashing back to White Diamond’s ship, then you definitely will too.”

 

“Yeah, and maybe that’ll help to go through it together.”

 

“You don’t think that’s a little...codependent?”

 

Steven shrugged.

 

“Maybe Stevonnie can help us deal with what happened.”

 

They hadn’t fused since the ball. Not just because the experience had ended in disaster, but because the two were never quite on the same emotional wavelength. 

 

When one of them was in a muddy haze of dissociation, the other was in the rattling sensation of anxiety. And despite relying on each other emotionally now more than ever, their walls were up constantly. 

 

In all honesty, Steven wanting to fuse was his last ditch effort to reconnect with Connie, who was always a million miles away.

 

“Or they’ll be triggered and won’t be able to hold together! I don’t want to voluntarily walk into panic attack central.”

 

It came out harsh, defensive maneuvers at the ready.

 

Steven stuttered.

 

“I-I know it’s scary. I’m scared, too…”

 

“Why can’t talking be enough?”

 

“Because we talked! We keep talking and we get nowhere!” 

 

“Exactly! So what help would the embodiment of a conversation do?” 

 

Steven sat up and turned to face her. 

 

“We just need to relax. We have to open ourselves up.”

 

“That’s ironic coming from you!” Connie’s rise in volume caused Steven to flinch. “You won’t open up to anyone! And you’re the one who can’t relax. You can’t go five minutes without worrying about gem stuff.”

 

Connie snapped at him a lot lately. She must’ve known it, too, because every time she did, she turned away with a twinge of shame seeping into her expression. 

 

“It’s…” Steven began, then continued with an empty chuckle, “kinda hard to all of a sudden  _ stop _ worrying after a year of this ‘stuff,’” he verbally emphasized it. He--they always called it  _ gem stuff _ as if it were a separate and easily ignorable extracurricular activity. It made it easy--to label and generalize it as such, as if it hadn’t become an interwoven portion into their daily lives and not some definable time slot, even though Connie’s calendar would indicate otherwise. 

 

_ What are you upset about? Oh, it’s gem stuff. Okay let’s talk about it.  _

 

Now it was hard to separate gem stuff from just your generic, everyday, plights-of-being-one-half-human-and-one-regular-human-in-this-world,  _ stuff _ .

 

“I mean, gem stuff is literally half of me.”

 

“You’re right. You’re right, okay?” Her voice came quick and frantic.

 

“I’m being a bad friend and I’m sorry, and I think I’m helping but I just keep making it seem like I have some kind of resentment and I promise you I don’t!”

 

“I don’t think--” Steven reached his hand forward only for her to scoot herself back slightly without taking a breath before she continued.

 

“I’m scared for you and it’s so stupid because there’s nothing to be scared of but that’s what I thought going to Homeworld and then in like, point two seconds our lives were in danger and that could happen at any time with all these gems who could  _ also _ kill you in point two seconds, and if that’s how I feel I should be going with you but I’m too scared to even do that. I want to be there to protect you but I’m too scared of not being able to, and I’m too scared of the possibility of  _ having _ to protect you!”

 

Steven had her in a tight hug by now. 

 

He wasn’t so wrapped up in his own trauma that he hadn’t considered how it must’ve been for Connie and what she must be feeling. But having his fears for her psyche confirmed was like being submerged in ice water. He should’ve said something sooner, but it just never felt like the right time. 

 

“‘It’s not your fault and there’s nothing you could’ve done,’ we’re told over and over and yeah I  _ know _ but I still have that experience that tells me it  _ can _ happen and that I need to be ready if or when it does. You almost died and what if it happens again? And if I’m not there, or if I am there, there’s no difference! I still can’t prevent it. I’m still gonna be just as helpless as I was.”

 

“But you helped! You did!”

 

“But what if I hadn’t? That was all I could do, but what if I was too late? What if I wasn’t there? Anything could happen and I never want you to be in that kind of pain again. And I don’t wanna be there to see it at the same time that I wanna be there to protect you. It’s so confusing and I don’t know if I even am making any sense, but all I know is I have this weird need to duct tape a bunch of pillows to you and not let you anywhere near anything gem related. I’ve become my mother!”

 

If not for the genuine pain in her voice, Steven would’ve had a ton of jokes, both self-deprecating and lovingly at Connie’s expense, at the statement. 

 

Steven had nothing to say at the moment, so he kept her in a hug as her breaths levelled and the tension in her body eased. 

 

Finally,

 

“Believe me, I get scared too. My life seems to always be in danger lately, but what happened with White was a whole other level. And I was always okay with--maybe too okay with, almost dying. I was okay with the possibility of dying when I turned myself in. And with White, for a moment I was okay with it, too. But then I realized: I  _ really _ don’t want to,” 

 

Steven paused, “I actually talked to Dr. Allan about that…man, therapists really know how to get you spilling all your deepest feelings, huh?”

 

Connie laughed between her sobs. 

 

“But anyway, I get scared, too. Because now I know how quickly and easily everything can go wrong. I’ve always been super oblivious to danger, but since Homeworld, I’m always looking for it. Even in my own house. But I keep trying to help the gems because it’s important to me. Even though it’s tough right now and I can’t handle as much of it as I’d like to, it’s hard to completely ignore it. Like I said, it’s a literal part of me. But also, like, a figurative part?

 

“I feel like I have this goal. And I really wanna reach it. To fix the empire. I have the power to do that, to fix it, and to not utilize that power feels like I’m wasting my potential. Now that I know who I am and stuff, I know what I wanna do. And what I wanna do comes with…”

 

“Occupational hazards?” Connie guessed. 

 

Steven nodded.

 

“Yeah, and even though it scares me, and I’m definitely going to ease into it and give myself breaks, I’m still going to do it. And if something bad happens, we deal.”

 

“But I don’t want to deal. That’s the problem. I don’t want anything bad to happen. I’m not brave like you!”

 

“What are you talking about? You’re super brave! You stared down a giant robot with your sword and said ‘I got this!’”

 

“That’s different…”

 

“Different?” Steven lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her, though her face was partially buried behind her knees. “What about how you danced in front of everyone at that rave? Or how you made all those new friends at your school, like Jeff? Or how you told your mom the truth? You face your fears all the time!”

Connie was quiet.

 

“You’re saying you’re not brave because you feel like you can’t handle the anxiety, like you’re emotionally overwhelmed and like you’re going to...to break at any second! But think about how many times you’ve gotten through that feeling! When I met you, you were nervous just to be looked at by people, and now you go to a party with a buncha older kids and are loved by everyone you talk to! Connie Mahaswaren, you are brave!”

 

Connie stayed quiet, so Steven continued.

 

“People are bravest when they don’t feel very brave. Just because you’re feeling like it’s all too much, doesn’t make you any less brave than me. I think it makes you braver.”

 

A sniffle, and the miraculous appearance of Connie’s big brown eyes as she wiped away her tears.

 

“You’re the one who is still doing all this meaningful stuff for the greater good of dismantling an entire galactic empire while I’m stuck in this inertia of doing nothing. I’m not even supporting you properly.”

 

“But that’s how I cope! I cope by doing things. You cope by withdrawing. I’ve been trying to withdraw, and maybe that’s just not what’s good for me. Yeah, I need to put less pressure on myself, and accept when I can’t handle any more and need a break, but overall withdrawing just isn’t me. That’s not how I cope. So I’m gonna keep doing gem stuff, just not as much. That’s what this week has taught me.”

 

He realized he got off track from Connie and blushed, “And you can’t blame yourself for how you cope. Don’t be mad at yourself for doing what’s best for you. And there’s no reason to feel guilty for it because I’m  _ fine _ . I promise. You support me plenty and even if you didn’t, it’s okay because you need to put yourself first. I understand.”

 

“And if something bad happens and I’m not there? I’d never forgive myself!”

 

“I’d forgive you. I wouldn’t even need to forgive you because I wouldn’t ever think it’s your fault. If I can understand that, then you need to, too. If we switched places, would you be as hard on me as you are on yourself?”

 

Connie laughed. “Dr. Allan?”

 

Then they were both laughing. 

 

When it died down, which was rather quick since they both were exhausted, they laid on their backs and watched the clouds in their stupor that typically follows emotional catharsis. 

 

A sigh, an emotional reset. 

 

“We can’t stress over things outside our control, so instead we just cope with our feelings the way we do best,” Steven concluded. 

 

Connie nodded.

 

\----

 

Connie was off the map for the next few days, then after that, she and Steven checked in with each other periodically over text. Within a week or two, they were back to normal. No fusing into Stevonnie needed to make Stevonnie feel stronger than ever. 

 

It was now a month since he had come home.

 

\----

 

The gentle notes of the ukulele came to a sudden halt. 

 

“Dad?”

 

Greg focused his attention from his guitar on his son, who was so quiet around him since he got home. The only thing Steven thought worth it to talk about was the gems’ integration to Earth and the next moves for gem empire, and Greg was the person who Steven didn’t like to talk about gem stuff with. 

 

But, it was what Steven needed. To be quiet with someone. 

 

_ You can talk to me about Homeworld and the gems. I’ve come to terms with the dangers and I get it. You don’t have to worry about freaking me out again. _

 

_ I know. But I like to just be with you.  _

 

Still, he missed hearing his son talk about what was going on in his life, whether he glossed over the dangerous bits (which he definitely did) or not. So naturally, his heart skipped a beat when Steven sounded like he was about to say something important.

 

“Yeah, bud?”

 

Steven fiddled with one of the tuners.

 

“I wanna talk about what happened on Homeworld...but I want the gems here, too. They should know.”

 

Greg stuttered, “You mean they don’t know? Weren’t they with you?”

 

He was there when the Watermelon Steven asked for backup. He knew something had went wrong. And for the days that followed, as the hand ships were repaired and Bismuth, Peridot, and Lapis departed, he was fearing the worst.

 

Then they all landed on the beach, perfectly fine, with all three diamonds following Steven’s lead, and Greg knew that, reluctantly, Steven had three new aunts for Greg to explain to Andy. 

 

But after a few days, his gut feeling that something had gone terribly wrong was confirmed by Steven and Connie’s behavior. The gems, however, were preoccupied with the uncorrupted gems, which was understandable, and when he was able to question what happened on Homeworld, they skirted around the topic.

 

Even Garnet would stay quiet as Pearl and Amethyst stumbled on their words and shuffled awkwardly. 

 

Steven shook his head, “Yes and no. They were poofed for some of it, and they were being puppeted by White Diamond for...the other part of it.”

 

“Puppeted?” Greg gawked. 

 

“Yeah. So they don’t know what happened. They just know it was bad, but Connie and I weren’t ready to talk about it. But I am now.” 

 

\----

 

Greg tried to stay calm and not pick his son up and shake him and beg him to  _ tell him what happened dammit _ on the walk from the van to the house. He was back to fearing the worst, but the worst was Steven dead, and Steven was definitely not dead, so what else was there? 

 

Steven knew there’d have to be audience when he finally talked about it, because he couldn’t explain it individually to everyone.

 

But even knowing he’d have to talk to all of them at once, and knowing he was ready to do so, he still felt all the eyes burning into him, like White Diamond’s powerful stare that found him even in dreams. It was a feeling that he shouldn’t get from them, but he had learned the past month that it would be a while until he was completely comfortable around his own family again. 

 

He sat on the couch with Greg. Garnet, Pearl, Bismuth, and Lapis, were comfortable standing. Amethyst and Peridot sat on the barstools. 

 

Steven tapped his feet, drummed his hands on his lap, and avoided eye contact for a good two minutes before anyone spoke.

 

It was Garnet who did.

 

“We won’t judge you for anything. And we won’t interrupt,” she looked to everyone else, “right?”

 

They all nodded. 

 

Steven knew that once he started talking, he won’t be able to stop, and he wouldn’t be able to handle any questions or tearful reactions. He just had to word vomit it all out, even if it was like reliving it. Get it over with. So, as was common, Garnet had said just what he needed to hear. 

 

“I’ll just...start with when you were all...you know,” Steven motioned to Garnet, indicating to her to elaborate to those who weren’t there. 

 

“White Diamond took control of Blue, Yellow, Pearl, Amethyst, and Myself. We don’t remember what happened during that time,” she explained, mainly to Greg, but Peridot, Lapis, and Bismuth all gave their respective versions of  _ yikes _ .

 

“Yeah,” Steven took in a deep breath. Greg rubbed his back in support. 

 

He began.

 

\----

 

_ They were all empty. White Diamond’s incomprehensible feeling of emptiness had spread to them, and for the first time in his life, they actually felt like the aliens they are. His heart sunk, and even though he was the only speck of color in the room now, he felt like he was devoid of any of it.  _

 

_ White’s soul-piercing light intensified. How did she do that? How did her light seem to cut through your skin and your gem and into your mind. Steven wondered if it felt like that to others when he used his mind powers, and his heart sunk lower.  _

 

_ But no, because Steven was a warm and loving presence. White wasn’t even cold, she was the like absence of warmth. And he knew that feeling to draw the comparison: the absence of love and warmth, an existential coldness that made him feel nothing more than the need for that warmth again, was the worst feeling Steven had ever felt in his life. To explain it would be impossible, because how do you explain the feeling of something that is so far beyond the extent of what words can explain?  _

 

“It was like...space but worse. Like when I floating alone through space. I never felt so alone. And the loneliness just got worse.”

 

_ Space is a vacuum. Imagine that. Your own soul acting against its nature of indivisibility as its torn apart, and loneliness doesn’t begin to describe the vacuum you’re in.  _

 

“White started to talk about flaws. And how I enable them, and how only she’s perfect and can fix them. So I told her she’s wrong. That my friends don’t need to be fixed. And then she started saying all these things about Mom that weren’t true, like how she became Rose to deceive her friends and be the ‘best of the worst,’ and that I was a step up because I was even deceiving myself.

 

“And I told her I’m not my mom. And she laughed. Connie came rushing in, and she fought Pearl. I tried to run to help her, but Garnet and Amethyst held me back.”

 

He didn’t need to look to know they were cringing at that. They feared they had hurt him, but at least it wasn’t going to be as bad as they anticipated. 

 

Steven felt it necessary to mention, “And Connie did really well against Pearl, by the way,” he said with a smile. Hopefully that would lighten the mood and maybe give Pearl something to be proud of. 

 

“But Pearl beat her and held her back and kept her quiet while White kept talking. And she tried to convince me that I was really Mom, or that she was just using me to hide, and I thought about all the times I had a dream about her from her memories, or felt some sort of connection to how she was feeling, and I was doubting myself for a minute there.

 

“And then White grabbed me,”

 

_ Her nails long and sharp enough to pierce through his body, her fingers large enough to kill him with a single flick. Her hard light form feeling like ice, whereas the Crystal Gems were always able to mimic human warmth, made his skin numb. She lifted him and he felt like he was on a ride at Funland, without any of the fun. It was like when he was falling from Lapis’s water tower, but he was falling upwards and was in her grasp.  _

 

“And she was all, ‘this has gone on long enough,’ and I only then started to struggle cause the shock wore off. I was starting to get the idea of what she was going to do, but I knew for sure when she used her thumb to push my shirt up so she could see my gem, and I saw her other hand getting closer, and her nails getting closer, and I couldn’t breath suddenly.

 

“Her nails closed in around my gem and,”

 

_ This is going to hurt. This is going to HURT! Why won’t. You. Fight!  _

 

_ But the knowledge that this was inevitable won out against pure animal instincts to struggle. And that’s when you know you’ve reached a fear far beyond what you can ever imagine.  _

 

_ Fear is powerful, but the rational, the human brain tends to keep it in check. In crises, it’s unable to do so because the fear response is so strong so you either fight or run. But when you’ve gone another step ahead, back to where the rational brain is grasping at straws to stay in control, you’ve gone too far.  _

 

“She started to pull,” (did he hear some gasps?) “and I musta passed out before the gem came out, because it hurt so bad,”

 

_ He was being literally ripped apart. The fibers of light keeping his body together and the gem attached, so it was ingrained in him beyond a simple organ, woven into every cell in his body, snapped. Severed.  _

 

_ The light stayed and kept him together, being part of his anatomy, but without the power source, his cells were rapidly dying. Just like if the heart stopped beating, but this was slower, because his human body now kicked into overdrive to compensate for the lack of the vital piece.  _

_ His ears rang, his heart beat in his ears, his skin felt clammy and cold.  _

 

“And I woke up again to Connie leaning over me, but all I could focus on was how cold I felt. But not, like, ice cold. Like, something missing, cold. It was the worst feeling I’ve ever felt. For a second I had no idea what had happened. My hand was clasped over where my gem should be, but I didn’t feel anything there, and when I lifted my head to look, there was nothing. It was just skin, like it was never even there.

 

“I looked up and White was still holding my gem, and it started to glow and reform. It shifted through the forms of Mom, but then it formed as me. A pink Steven. But it wasn’t Steven. I wasn’t Steven. It was so weird, I... have two separate perspectives of the same event, and neither on their own felt like me. It was like fusion but it wasn’t. Because when a fusion is apart their parts are their separate people. But I wasn’t two separate people. I was two halves, and it felt wrong. 

 

“Human me felt impossibly cold, and gem me felt impossibly hot,”

 

_ But it was a cold hot. A flame so hot it felt like ice as it melted your skin away. Like the other half felt the absence of warmth, the gem half of him felt the absence of cold. He burned white hot and it felt overwhelming and it craved the relief of something cold. Specifically, his other half.  _

 

_ Either way, it was pain that could only be described in physical terms, despite it cutting so much deeper.  _

 

“And it hurt like crazy, and I needed to be myself again. Human me was helped up to stand, leaning on Connie, and I took a step forward, but I couldn’t even walk. My legs felt like lead. And gem me was processing what had happened. He wasn’t used to being on his own, to process emotions and thoughts on his own. So then White asked where Pink was, and I guess all that emotion the gem half of me ever felt was released at once without the human part as a buffer?

 

“So gem me screamed at her and cracked the floor and then I felt bad when I saw that I hurt human me by yelling so loud, and I started to walk towards me to try and get back to normal because it didn’t feel right. I’m supposed to be Steven. That’s my only purpose is to be him. And if anything happened to him I’d have no reason to exist. 

 

“I was so focused on getting back together that I didn’t even notice Connie had picked human me up and started carrying me. She saved my life and she thinks she didn’t do anything. But she did everything. I don’t think I could’ve stayed alive. Because I couldn’t move, and other me was being stalled by White trying to bleach me like she did with the others.

 

“I got really scared. Both of me. But I brought up a shield, and then White attacked again, and I kept up my shield, and then she tried again, this time the beam coming from every gem in the room, and human me thought that was it, but my shield was strong enough, and I pushed the shield outward to knock White down, and it worked, but I knocked everyone in the room down because I didn’t care what happened to them, but human me cared and I yelled at him to stop.

 

“But it didn’t matter cause I was almost there, and then I was holding myself, and then I was laughing. Because it was so stupid of me to ever doubt myself. I’ve always been myself, so I hugged gem me, and then gem me was so happy that I was happy and we started laughing and dancing and fused back together.”

 

_ To feel so much love for yourself all at once is another indescribable feeling. That warmth fills you, with a mix of pride in who you are, a love for what makes you you, an understanding of yourself that sees even your flaws as something you’d never change.  _

 

_ In the most simplified terms, the human half loves the gem half because he gives him life, and the gem half loves the human half because he gives him purpose.  _

 

“So Connie came up and hugged me and I honestly felt great. Then White started getting angry and pounding her fists, and she was all ‘You’re Pink Diamond! You don’t look like this or sound like this. You’re not half human you’re acting like a child!’”

 

Steven chuckled, some pride bubbling to the surface.

 

“And I was all, ‘I am a child, what’s your excuse?’”

 

He heard a very Amethyst-sounding snicker.

 

“So she started to get embarrassed and blush and everything was turning pink, and that’s when she gave up control over everyone.”

 

There was more he wanted to say. He wished he could put more of his feelings into words. 

 

Recounting the experience felt simultaneously like it took no time at all and like it would never end, but when he looked at the clock, he saw that he had killed about ten minutes. 

 

He had needed to pause a lot more than he anticipated, to process the whole thing into something understandable to others. 

 

He must’ve done a good job, because when he indicated he was done, he was scooped up in the biggest group hug he had ever gotten.

 

Loving yourself is important, but nothing beats the love you feel and give to others. The two kind of go hand-in-hand, anyway. One begets the other and vice versa, Steven supposed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a lotta headcanons about pink steven and how he's more of the Steven we know than he appears (human steven isnt just Steven without a gem, and Pink steven isn't just Steven's powers given form...there's more of an even split. after all, pink steven is shown to be capable of both anger and joy meaning there's more to him behind a robotic facade) and i wish i coulda fit them all in but that wasn't the purpose of the fic. 
> 
> just an epilogue is needed and im done. this fic has been super cathartic (evidently that's the word of the day, or even this fic in general) for me to write, so thank you for reading!


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